Someone recently asked me ‘ what’s your favourite thing to do?’ and I just stood there thinking of many things that made even a small place in my heart. And I started to think ‘ well , umm , there are many like having a long , long conversation with someone over tea , while it rains. To observe people and the things they do wondering why they do it. I mean how many of us actually pay attention to the details of people around us? Like how their eyebrows widens when they smile , or how they avoid eye contact just to hide what’s inside. Watching people’s madness and confusion and all the moments that can’t be put into words. Moments when you hug someone and they hug you back even tighter , moments when you know you mean something to someone , or even those moments of solitude where you were your own home , moments that just open you up to the unfamiliar sides of life. The kind of sides you never knew existed. Like the calm of the sea and the light of sunsets , like the softness of the world and the intensity of their hope. Like the humans with all the ups and downs.
And after thinking all this , I smiled and replied ‘ nothing much really.’
‘ Stay ‘ , you say. ‘ I can’t ‘, I reply. The voices in my head started to talk. Sometimes , just sometimes , we want something so bad that we ruin it by over thinking and then use the phrase ‘it wasn’t meant to be’. But what if , meant to be meant try harder? If it meant stay a little longer? Or maybe sometimes it actually means let go? Let go of what? The next time someone asks you to let go when you are not ready , claim your pain. It is yours to keep for as long as you need to and for as long as you want to and nobody can take it away from you , not until you are ready to.
You lose a piece of yourself in every person you meet , they say. But in reality , we find a bit of ourselves in every person we meet. So are we letting go of ourselves or are we letting go of people who don’t find them in us? Maybe that’s what the word ‘home’ means. We build homes in people and when they leave , our world seems shaken up. And suddenly , ‘goodbye’ doesn’t seem just a seven letter word anymore.We get so stuck up at goodbyes that we never see life bought us a wonderful hello. And that a whole world is waiting out there. Great cities. Great art. People we haven’t met yet and places we haven’t seen. Words we never dared to say and hugs we never dared to give. And what a wonderful thought it is , that we can have all of it. Because one day you wake up and you’re not upset anymore. You stop wishing for the weekends and you stop looking forward to special events. You begin to live in each moment and just ride the wave that is life with contentment and joy. And when you look back from here , you look at where you came from and look at where you’re going. The lessons learnt in between termed as ‘pain’ is now linked to every fiber of your becoming. These lessons are not at random. These lessons are meant to be. The only constant meant to be of the story , I say.
And in this story I sometimes wonder if I am ‘You’ or am I the ‘I’ . Then I see that both words are just voices in my head and I ask them to be quiet.
Anjani Agarwal is a lover of tea and Drake’s theory. Introvert by day and extrovert by night. Believes in a parallel universe and tends to recreate stories in mind.